my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
