Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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