so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I looked at my own cervix.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
