I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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