In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
