dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
