No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
