When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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