The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
God gave him joint rollers for hands
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
