Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
