Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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