There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i came on her dog
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
