I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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