toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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