...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
