i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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