I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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