what day is it and did you see me today?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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