She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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