During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
