He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The uberlube is also flammable
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
