Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
