I heard we made out
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Randomize
