I accidentally burped into my bong.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
