Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
