If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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