my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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