Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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