you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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