I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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