The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
