Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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