respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
