I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
