im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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