Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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