I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
