I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
