so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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