I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
