My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
