Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
