My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
