Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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