i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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