This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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