Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize