just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize