You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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