So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
