I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
