glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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