I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
