i permit you to call me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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