we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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