Sry I called you an 8
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize