So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
