My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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