I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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