I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
