I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
